Archive for the ‘Satire’ category

The Sky is Falling!

January 5, 2007

On the night before Democrats took control of both the House and the Senate, the gods seemed to be a little angrier than usual.  In Denver, people stared in awe as objects reported as either metors or space junk hurtled through the atmosphere.  In New Jersey, a family discovered that a mysterious object (reportedly from space) hurtled through the roof, skipped off the floor and embedded itself into a wall.  Finally, a record snowfall engulfs Ancorage Alaska.

My conclusion is that Nancy Pelosi is the Devil, and God is now punishing us for putting her into power.  Of course, there are other conclusions one could draw from these strange events; all happening less than 24 hours prior to Democrats regaining control of Congress…?

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Live Nativity Scene Goes PC

December 15, 2006

After reports of holiday trees going up…then down…then back up again and focus group results showing a better reception to the greeting of “Happy Holidays” as opposed to “Merry Christmas”, the Hope Lutheran Church of Jessieville Arkansas has voted to slightly modify it’s live nativity scene.  According to Church council member Kevin Schmidt, the move was made to avoid lawsuits from other religious groups and Secular Prgressives who may have been offended by the old display.  “We always hold our Nativity Scene in the town park”, Schmidt said, “in order to keep it in the park, we are going to have to make minor changes to avoid lawsuits.

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Sources say that the display will no longer be called a Live Nativity Scene, as that may be offensive.  Instead it will be dubbed a Live Holiday Birthing Event.  Additionally, some of the characters will be defined differently.  The traditional Virgin Mary has been replaced by Mary, the teenage girl who continues to deny having pre-marital sex…even after giving birth.  Joseph, of course, has been removed completely in an effort not to offend anyone regarding the ideals of a traditional family.  The wise men will be changed to represent the likeness of Supreme Court Justices John Paul Stevens, Stephen G. Breyer, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg – arguably the three most liberal justices.  The Angels will be replaced by a group of ACLU lawyers who insist that they are the true saviors.  The shepherds will not change at all, except they will be paid a minimum wage of $7.25 per hour instead of their traditional goats milk and stale cheese.

Market analysts have also suggested that the following additional changes be made to up the income from the free will donation jar placed near the new Birthing Event.  The church council will vote on these early next week; all are expected to pass.  The stable will be said to represent the current plight of the American homeless.  The star will be replaced by a realistic looking UFO (to draw the Roswell crowd).  Finally, the Oxen will represent the solidarity to make Christmas more of a Holiday event for everyone…not just Christians.

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Mildred Hue, a fiery old widow serving on the church council, has made a suggestion of her own.  She suggests that the Ass be made to represent all those who take political correctness too seriously.  The council seems split on this motion, not wanting to offend Mildred, or all those who take political correctness too seriously.  Schmidt remarked “The last thing we want to do is to offend, or be perceived to be offending, anyone”.

Kevin,
From all of us here at the Report Card,
Good Luck My Friend…Good Luck.


In a related story, the mayor of Las Cruses, New Mexico (Spanish for “The Crosses”) has proposed renaming the town to avoid future lawsuits.  The new name of the town would be Ciudad del T’s minúsculo.  The rough English translation is “City of the lower case T’s”.  The mayor admits that he came up with the idea after watching an episode of South Park, where a lower case letter “t” was used instead of a cross.

Can Governments Cause a Darwinian Backslide?

December 9, 2006

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Darwin poses that evolution occurs due to natural selection over the course of time.  In other words, the stronger in the species survive and breed more than the weaker of the species.  The weaker species traits are eventually eliminated, leaving only those in the species that have the stronger traits.  Stephen has had a good series on this starting with this article on Outside The Box.  So what happens when the weaker of the species is protected by the stronger?  In other words, what happens when societal or governmental laws interfere and prevent the weaker of the species from being eliminated?  What could happen if the trait we are discussing is intellect?

The human species, without a doubt is the species that relies most on it’s intelligence for survival.  It is our most important trait.  From purely a scientific standpoint, if we as a species are to advance and develop a higher intellect, should our government really be protecting those that have a lesser intelligence level?  One could argue that certain people would no longer be around to reproduce had these governmental protection laws not been in place.  Therefore, natural selection would have taken these genes out of the pool and, over time, overall intelligence within the gene pool would increase.

 Seat-belt laws are a good example of this.  If someone chooses not to wear a seat-belt, shouldn’t they be allowed to do so?  If that person dies in a car accident, there would be one less stupid person around to reproduce, increasing the likely-hood that the next generation would be smarter than the first.  The same could be said for smoking, or speeding.  To clarify, I am NOT suggesting that those with weaker intellect be eliminated in unnatural ways.  Rather, I am suggesting that governments not stop them from making decisions that may lead to their demise. 

This brings me back to the original question.  Can there actually be an evolutionary slide backward due to governmental laws that keep us from doing stupid things, or would the protection of those with lower intelligence simply slow or stall evolution?  Certainly it could not continue to advance at a rate equal to that of when there were no laws protecting the intellectually inept.  I would think that if a species can progress, it can also regress.  In fact, the process of protecting stupid people may actually lead to a higher rate of stupid in the gene pool, leading to a decline in the species and eventual extinction. 

This is why I’m a creationist.  In a moral world, as opposed to a scientific world, the intelligent have an absolute obligation to protect those less fortunate.  As a creationist, I do not have to deal with questions of whether stupid people are actually hindering the advancement of our species.  I would suggest that all those in favor of laws regulating speeding, seat-belts, helmets, smoking, and drugs to get on the bandwagon of creationism.  If you don’t, you will face the moral dilemma of whether to actually help the next stupid person you encounter.

Swamped Officials Turn to the Honor System

December 2, 2006

Thursday, the Federal Election Commission asked politicians and contributors to consider reporting their own possible violations of campaign finance laws.

 Following this fine example of law enforcement, the St. Louis Police Department said Thursday afternoon that it was going to try a similar system.  “After the recent survey that ranked St. Louis as the most dangerous city in America, we had to try something different…my job was on the line”, said Chief of Police Max McBride.  McBride’s solution is a three part plan. 

First, he has told the police force to stay at their respective precincts on Friday and not to venture out under any circumstances.  He then went on television early Friday morning and let St. Louis citizens know that if they think they may have committed a possible crime, to go into their local police station and turn themselves in.  Lastly, McBride offered concessions to those who followed the program.  “We will make sure that every person who turns themselves in will get the most comfortable jail cells, with the cleanest corner toilets.  We have also promised them that they can sit on the opposite side of the dinning hall from violent offenders”.  When The Report Card asked what he would do if a violent offender turned himself in and requested to sit at the opposite side of the dinning hall from the other violent offenders, McBride seemed confused and had no comment.

Things seem to be going well so far for the police chief this Friday.  As of this morning, the holding cells and booking departments of every squad in St. Louis are the slowest they’ve been in five decades.  Additionally, phones at the 911 emergency center and at police headquarters are not ringing as much as they have in the past few years.  Rumors that a record number of people encountering busy signals when they called these numbers could not be confirmed at this time.

 “It’s simply Amazing”, the chief commented.  “We haven’t had one person come through those doors and confess to committing a crime.  This is the slowest day for booking I have ever seen.  It looks as if this program has made St. Louis virtually crime free.  If this kind of public response continues, we’ll be back below Detroit before you know it.” 

Editors Note:  The Report Card sent seven reporters into St. Louis to follow up on this story starting Friday morning.  None of them have been heard from since.  We’ve called the St. Louis police department to report them missing, but each time we tried the phone was busy.  Chief McBride called us around Friday at noon to tell us the good news about his program.  When we asked about our missing reporters, he said he was certain that if anything had happened to them, the responsible parties would be turning themselves in shortly.

The War on Terror…Next Stop, Climate Change

November 17, 2006

Wednesday, U.N. cheif Kofi Annan demanded that world leaders give the same priority to Climate Change that they have given to the spread of WMD’s in the past.  In reaction to Annan’s comments, the Bush administration has been working around the clock to come up with a strategy for tackling the problem.  The Report Card has obtained exclusive, never before seen, details on the emerging plan.

Although specifics are unclear, sources that have heard rumors from staffers, that claim to be close to top officials, who claim to have seen a draft memo issued by the undersecretary to the secretary of the President leaked the following plan to The Report Card.  Please be aware that this plan is top secret, so don’t tell anyone.  If you are Climate Change, please stop reading now.  We would not want you to know what the plan for attacking you is.

The Bush administration first plans to provide the U.S. population with information linking Climate Change to terrorist organizations.  This, among other things, will provoke an already aggressive news media to begin discrediting the information.  After the news media misrepresents the information given by the administration, and twists the story into one of how there is no link between Climate Change and the 9/11 terror attacks, President Bush will schedule a time to address Congress.

 In his Congressional address, the President will add Climate Change to his list of members included in the axis of evil.  He will then justify this addition by telling Congress that there is substantial evidence from reliable intelligence sources showing that Climate Change exists.  He will underscore the point by assuring Congress that their is as much evidence present for Climate Change being a real threat as there was for Saddam Hussein possessing weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. 

President Bush will then call on Democrats to refrain from repealing the Patriot act, explaining that the continuance of the legislation would allow the government to hold Climate Change as an enemy combatant (should it be captured) for an undetermined amount of time in an undetermined location.  Additionally, the government can then begin wire taps on all those assisting Climate Change.  He will conclude his speech by urging the U.N. Security Council to expedite a meeting, for discussion on a resolution that would demand Climate Change to reveal it’s harmful effects.

The next phase of the plan involves waiting on the U.N. Security Council to draft 17 non-binding resolutions insisting that Climate Change stop it’s harmful effects…or else.  Climate Change will ignore all of these resolutions.  This will, of course, prompt a circus of investigations conducted by Hans Blix.  Each time Blix will come back and report that there is no clear evidence that Climate Change has harmful effects, and that he needs more time to conduct further investigations.  After the 17th resolution is drafted, President Bush will grow tired of waiting on the U.N. Security Council and begin assembling a coalition of the willing to remove Climate Change from power and seize it’s harmful effects.  France and Russia will object to this.

Once the coalition has militarily removed Climate Change as a threat, U.S. teams of scientists will go searching for it’s harmful effects.  After months of searching, the scientists will find that Climate Change actually had no harmful effects.  The Bush administration will then claim that the war was still justified because the U.S. took power away from an entity that was threatening the world in order to make it a safer place.

This time, military strategists will expect an insurgency.  It will most likely be launched by supporters of Climate Change (those living in colder than average climates), and will eventually be reinforced by environmental fundamentalists who insist that Climate Change sill exists.  Their leader will be Al Gore…

That’s the plan given to The Report Card by White House insiders.  Being the responsible news outlet that we are, The Report Card has verified all information stated above with no less than two White House parking attendants and the head of security at the White House Visitors Center.  It should be noted that no exit strategy was given to us by our sources…We’re sure they have one, our sources probably just didn’t know what it was.

Psychological Phenomenon in Question

November 9, 2006
democrat-donkey-brain.jpg Over the past 12 years, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland have been studying a psychological phenomenon known as Post Inaugural Shock and Stress Election Disorder (PISSED). 

Lead Researcher Micheal Reid says that the disorder is caused by a chemical released in the brain; it primarily effects those seeking public office, and political ideologues.  The unclassified chemical causes sufferers to become highly agitated and often leads to victims being shrill and sometimes incoherent while giving public addresses. 

“We have seen the number of people suffering from PISSED increase dramatically since the study began”, Reid said, “It has been particularly prevelent in the last five years”.  Although psychologists thought that the number of reported PISSED sufferers  may have gone up as people began to understand and seek treatment for the disease, they have recently seen a sharp decline in symptoms.  Reid notes, “Normally, symptoms start happening immediately after a national election, but this year that has not been the case”.

Symptoms of PISSED include going into deep denial, making outrageously false claims, and (in severe cases) looking like your possessed by the devil himself.  “After a national election we normally look for Cadidates that claim Voter Fraud, challenge the election in court, and demand recounts”, Reid said, “But in the 2006 election, we haven’t had any of that on a national level.  We’re starting to wonder if this is a legitimate disorder at all”.

Political analysts are quick to point out that they have never given credibility to the psychological disorder.  Carl Thomas, a Professor of Political Science at Southern Methodist University, states “I have submitted numerous documents rejecting the studies done by Reid”.  Thomas wrote in one of his papers, “PISSED should not be given DSM4 consideration until Democrats regain control of Congress.  Only then, when we can also research Republicans, will we know the true legitimacy of this so-called disorder.”

Reid now submits that Thomas was correct.  “We jumped the gun a little bit by requesting approval for DSM4 publication.  I just didn’t think there would be that much difference between liberal and conservative subjects”.  When occurrences of sympotms dropped to almost zero after a Democratic victory in the 2006 mid-term elections, Reid finally admitted the flaw in his research.  “Apparently”, said Reid, “We were just dealing with a bunch of liberal kooks”.  Reid will continue his research, as he is now interested in finding a link between PISSED and the liberal mind.  “We will focus on gene related research first”, he says, “But we may never have an adequate explanation”.

Editor’s Clarification

The editor of The Report Card would like it to be known that Ted Kennedy doesn’t suffer from this type of PISSED. 
The type of Pissed Ted Kennedy suffers from is the Irish-English definition of the term.