Archive for the ‘U.N.’ category

The War on Terror…Next Stop, Climate Change

November 17, 2006

Wednesday, U.N. cheif Kofi Annan demanded that world leaders give the same priority to Climate Change that they have given to the spread of WMD’s in the past.  In reaction to Annan’s comments, the Bush administration has been working around the clock to come up with a strategy for tackling the problem.  The Report Card has obtained exclusive, never before seen, details on the emerging plan.

Although specifics are unclear, sources that have heard rumors from staffers, that claim to be close to top officials, who claim to have seen a draft memo issued by the undersecretary to the secretary of the President leaked the following plan to The Report Card.  Please be aware that this plan is top secret, so don’t tell anyone.  If you are Climate Change, please stop reading now.  We would not want you to know what the plan for attacking you is.

The Bush administration first plans to provide the U.S. population with information linking Climate Change to terrorist organizations.  This, among other things, will provoke an already aggressive news media to begin discrediting the information.  After the news media misrepresents the information given by the administration, and twists the story into one of how there is no link between Climate Change and the 9/11 terror attacks, President Bush will schedule a time to address Congress.

 In his Congressional address, the President will add Climate Change to his list of members included in the axis of evil.  He will then justify this addition by telling Congress that there is substantial evidence from reliable intelligence sources showing that Climate Change exists.  He will underscore the point by assuring Congress that their is as much evidence present for Climate Change being a real threat as there was for Saddam Hussein possessing weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. 

President Bush will then call on Democrats to refrain from repealing the Patriot act, explaining that the continuance of the legislation would allow the government to hold Climate Change as an enemy combatant (should it be captured) for an undetermined amount of time in an undetermined location.  Additionally, the government can then begin wire taps on all those assisting Climate Change.  He will conclude his speech by urging the U.N. Security Council to expedite a meeting, for discussion on a resolution that would demand Climate Change to reveal it’s harmful effects.

The next phase of the plan involves waiting on the U.N. Security Council to draft 17 non-binding resolutions insisting that Climate Change stop it’s harmful effects…or else.  Climate Change will ignore all of these resolutions.  This will, of course, prompt a circus of investigations conducted by Hans Blix.  Each time Blix will come back and report that there is no clear evidence that Climate Change has harmful effects, and that he needs more time to conduct further investigations.  After the 17th resolution is drafted, President Bush will grow tired of waiting on the U.N. Security Council and begin assembling a coalition of the willing to remove Climate Change from power and seize it’s harmful effects.  France and Russia will object to this.

Once the coalition has militarily removed Climate Change as a threat, U.S. teams of scientists will go searching for it’s harmful effects.  After months of searching, the scientists will find that Climate Change actually had no harmful effects.  The Bush administration will then claim that the war was still justified because the U.S. took power away from an entity that was threatening the world in order to make it a safer place.

This time, military strategists will expect an insurgency.  It will most likely be launched by supporters of Climate Change (those living in colder than average climates), and will eventually be reinforced by environmental fundamentalists who insist that Climate Change sill exists.  Their leader will be Al Gore…

That’s the plan given to The Report Card by White House insiders.  Being the responsible news outlet that we are, The Report Card has verified all information stated above with no less than two White House parking attendants and the head of security at the White House Visitors Center.  It should be noted that no exit strategy was given to us by our sources…We’re sure they have one, our sources probably just didn’t know what it was.