Archive for the ‘Campaign Finance’ category

Swamped Officials Turn to the Honor System

December 2, 2006

Thursday, the Federal Election Commission asked politicians and contributors to consider reporting their own possible violations of campaign finance laws.

 Following this fine example of law enforcement, the St. Louis Police Department said Thursday afternoon that it was going to try a similar system.  “After the recent survey that ranked St. Louis as the most dangerous city in America, we had to try something different…my job was on the line”, said Chief of Police Max McBride.  McBride’s solution is a three part plan. 

First, he has told the police force to stay at their respective precincts on Friday and not to venture out under any circumstances.  He then went on television early Friday morning and let St. Louis citizens know that if they think they may have committed a possible crime, to go into their local police station and turn themselves in.  Lastly, McBride offered concessions to those who followed the program.  “We will make sure that every person who turns themselves in will get the most comfortable jail cells, with the cleanest corner toilets.  We have also promised them that they can sit on the opposite side of the dinning hall from violent offenders”.  When The Report Card asked what he would do if a violent offender turned himself in and requested to sit at the opposite side of the dinning hall from the other violent offenders, McBride seemed confused and had no comment.

Things seem to be going well so far for the police chief this Friday.  As of this morning, the holding cells and booking departments of every squad in St. Louis are the slowest they’ve been in five decades.  Additionally, phones at the 911 emergency center and at police headquarters are not ringing as much as they have in the past few years.  Rumors that a record number of people encountering busy signals when they called these numbers could not be confirmed at this time.

 “It’s simply Amazing”, the chief commented.  “We haven’t had one person come through those doors and confess to committing a crime.  This is the slowest day for booking I have ever seen.  It looks as if this program has made St. Louis virtually crime free.  If this kind of public response continues, we’ll be back below Detroit before you know it.” 

Editors Note:  The Report Card sent seven reporters into St. Louis to follow up on this story starting Friday morning.  None of them have been heard from since.  We’ve called the St. Louis police department to report them missing, but each time we tried the phone was busy.  Chief McBride called us around Friday at noon to tell us the good news about his program.  When we asked about our missing reporters, he said he was certain that if anything had happened to them, the responsible parties would be turning themselves in shortly.