Banana’s deserve our protection too…


By:  Fred Jackson 

After installing democracy in various developing countries throughout the world, don’t you think we should begin protecting our food supply from those that wish to harm Americans?  Chiquita Banana brand attempted to do just that by hiring a local security firm to provide protection for their banana plantations, and was punished for their good intentions.

I always assumed that the major cost of banana production was incurred in the supply chain.  Boy was I wrong… Fox News reported that the Chiquita banana corporation was fined $25 Million USD for it’s payments to a highly trained security organization that happens to be on the US Terrorist watch list.  The company admitted to paying upwards of $1 Million USD to the United Self-Defense forces of Columbia who is on the Terrorist watch list for their part in ongoing civil conflicts within Columbia.  Hopefully, we can trust that our leading potassium supplier is still inspired to protect their precious cargo from all elements which cause harm.  

After a search for alternate means of protection, I came up with the following:

  1. Banana Guard – whose curved shape gets criticized for not “fitting” all bananas
  2. Banana Bunker – Preferred choice of housewives who enjoy the ribbed edges
  3. Traditional Method – Demonstration video of how to prevent a banana attack

Hopefully Chiquita is still going to maintain their protection of our food supply, and I encourage them to investigate the above protection methods as soon as possible to help insure our families are safe.  Chiquita Bananas, I applaude your effort to keep our food supply safe, and I love the hot latino with the fruity headdress… Keep up the good work!

Explore posts in the same categories: Agriculture, Current Events, In The News

4 Comments on “Banana’s deserve our protection too…”

  1. You Know Me Says:

    The company did not hire a “local security firm” it hired both “leftist” and “rightist” para military forces implicated in numerous civilian deaths in Columbia.

  2. Desktopjunk Says:

    Thanks, always good posts on your blog!

  3. Fred Jackson Says:

    You Know Me,

    your insightful and serious comment disturbs me. This is clearly a satirical piece. I thought that would be obvious with the reference to wives prefering ribbed edges, and a link to a monty python video.

    For anyone who is offended by this article we at the report card wish to offer our sincere appologies, and offer you this Thank You Card.

    Thanks for your continued reading, and we hope you will continue your impassioned comments to our blog.


    Fred Jackson

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